So the holidays are upon us and as you all travel over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house, I want to encourage you to take some time this weekend and break the ice and have the estate plan conversation with your loved ones. There is no better gift you can give to your family than love in action. Having these conversations can be challenging and complicated, but in almost every instance, not having it is worse.

As you mingle with your mom and dad tomorrow and on Christmas, don’t let the holiday spirit hold you back. Rather, let it embolden you to seize the moment in a loving, caring, and compassionate way. So sip your eggnog and then follow these three steps:

1. Simply Ask, Don’t Assume

Don’t project your insecurities onto your parents, don’t assume they’ve been thoughtless or careless. Simply ask them what they’ve done for planning purposes: do you have a Will, mom? have you updated it? have you considered a revocable trust instead? who is your health care proxy? Don’t go crazy, pick one and just bring it up. Leave your assumptions about what they might say or the feelings they might have at the door. They may surprise you.

2. Be Patient & Kind

Perhaps the moment your loved ones are playing fort with their dearest grandchildren, neices, or nephews is not the best time. Wait until the initial adrenaline of seeing everybody has subsided. Don’t hesitate, but don’t come in guns a-blazin’ either. If your loved ones aren’t ready to talk about it, respect that decision, let it go, and make a plan to talk about it later (like 4 hours later, not 4 year). And be kind, remember, you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.

3. Check Yourself

What you are asking about it a very personal, intimate thing for your loved one, and above all, it is THEIR estate plan, not yours. You likely care very much about your loved one and you only want them to be careful and for them to not be manipulated. So don’t manipulate your mom or dad yourself! Just listen, with patience and kindness as above, and hear them. Really hear them. What are their goals, passions, loves, and desires? What do they fear?

Remember, if they are your ‘loved one’, then likely you are their ‘loved one’ as well. So keep the conversation loving, even though it’s hard. Because having the conversation is one of the most loving things you can give this holiday season.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year